Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
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Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
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I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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