I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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