Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Who died my cat blue again?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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