P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
