It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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