Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
