sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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