yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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