My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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