The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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