so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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