new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You brought string cheese to the strip club
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
