Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
