You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
