I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
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You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
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I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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