I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
