How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i think my mom watched the whole time
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
