Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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