i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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