so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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