dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
