WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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