Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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