And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
