I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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