Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize