dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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