Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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