what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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