Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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