I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
