DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Someone came in the potted fern
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
