I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
