at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
