oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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