In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
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I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
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Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.