our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.