I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
