if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.