you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information