I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
