Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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