Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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