Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
