So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
