My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
