Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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