...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
