gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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