My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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