I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
