why didn't you poke me back
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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