My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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