Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
