How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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