I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
