Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
