my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my shit smells like andre
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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