guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
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Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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