its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
